A Balanced Life

Why Women Settle

Why Women Settle, and Give Up On Their Dreams And What Can Be Done to Reverse It

    By Allison Maslan, HHP, CCH

When women come to see me for life and career coaching or homeopathy, I often find myself saying, “ You really do deserve to be happy.” With this statement I often receive a perplexed expression as their reply. Such a simple and somewhat obvious statement, but surprisingly for many women, it rings distant from their reality.

Their confused stare translates to, “Really? But how can this be? How could that actually happen? True happiness seems so far from my life that I honestly have no idea how to get there.”

I don’t mean that all women are walking around miserable. Far from that. However, deserving to be happy can have many connotations. It can mean the opportunity to have all they desire in life, to reach their dreams or to be completely fulfilled and content right where they are.

Many women tell me they remember having dreams and longings at some point in their lives, but over time, have lost touch with these aspirations. At this junction, these desires seem more like fantasies. Many women have expressed to me that they feel so trapped within their circumstances that happiness has meant settling, or making the best of what they really do not want.

Why is this so? And how did this happen? Is it a message we have unconsciously inherited from our mothers that says, “This is the best you’ll get or the best you can do, so deal with it”? Is it ideology from Cinderella and Superwoman gone astray? Or has it been the many disappointments in love, a dead-end quest for a dream career or never making it past surviving on a month-to-month income while juggling the responsibilities of home, work and family? Or maybe one has a great job, but it leaves no time for anything but the job? And the push for all of this has left many women feeling overwhelmed, lost and just plain tired.

New Years Intentions

Wow, a New Year and a New Decade!!! What an exciting time.  Yesterday, I spent time going back through my calendar. I used this time to help me reflect and think about 2009.  There were aspects of 2009 that brought joy, sorrow, frustration, happiness, etc. 

After reflecting on the past year I became excited with the possibilities of 2010.  I am ready to let go of 2009 and start to think about my plan for 2010.  A little light bulb went off in my head when I read a post by Ariane de Bonvoisin.  Instead of making resolutions, this year I am going to live INTENTIONALLY.

Intentions are goals and objectives.  I am determined to live each day, week, month, quarter and the entire year intentionally.  My actions, attitude, conversations, and the people I surround myself with will propel me toward achieving my 2010 objectives.  Each new day is a new opportunity for me to move toward my goals.  It doesn't matter if these action steps are big or small.  What matters is that I am making progress.

Being in tune with myself will help shape my intentions. This means I will be able to recognize if my intentions need to be shifted.  Constant evaluation is critical to living intentionally.  Intentions are quite different from traditional resolutions.  Typically with resolutions, we make a list of those things we want to accomplish or change.  The problem with this is our lives are ever changing and are fluid.  Because of this, it is good to recognize when we need to change directions. In fact, recognizing a need for change and invoking change is courageous. It's living intentionally!

Take the next couple of days and the upcoming weeks to truly define what your intentions are for 2010.  You don't  have to accept what life brings you. Within you lies the power to live INTENTIONALLY!

What Makes Your Heart Smile?

The amazing thing about life is that we have choices.  We can choose to do nothing and except what life dumps in our laps.  We can choose behaviors that have negative consequences. We can choose to invoke changes that will have a positive impact on our lives. Within us lies the power and ability to design a life that is full of integrity.

There is something that we should remember to consider when we are deciding on what changes to implement.  If we are trying to align our lives with our personal definition of integrity we should consider things that make our heart smile.  Our hearts should smile about all aspects of our lives. Our hearts should smile about:

• Our family
• The career we have chosen
• The friends and the company we keep
• Our finances
• How we spend our leisure time
• And the list goes on and on

There are so many people who have careers, relationships and materialistic things that detract from their lives.  However, our lives should be filled with things that add joy and make our heart smile.  I encourage each of you to really examine any areas that don't make our hearts smile.  Be honest with yourself and formulate a plan for change.  Your deserve a to have a life of integrity and one that makes your heart smile.

Define Your Integrity

As busy women, it is important for us to define who we truly are and where our life is headed.  Living a life of integrity and defining our integrity is the foundation for living a life that is balanced and fulfilled. It is important for us to ask ourselves Who Am I?

I like to define integrity as knowing WHO we are.  When I say WHO, I am speaking in regards to how WE define ourselves as women. WHO we are is not the same as WHAT people call us or WHAT we may do. These are what I consider to be roles we play or labels that are given to us.  For instance, our children call us mother; our spouse calls us wife; we may be a teacher.  These roles or labels may all be positive. However, they do not define WHO we truly are. When no one is around and we are by ourselves, WHO ARE WE?

Living a life of integrity allows us to answer that question.  It also allows us to define for ourselves WHO we are and What we are called to do in life.  Living a life full of integrity is not a destination.  It is a process.  Living our lives with integrity and aligning our daily actions with our calling is a journey.

Where Did the Year Go?

It is hard to believe that it is already October.  It seems like it was just last week that it was spring. Now, there are only 86 days until 2010. I can't believe it!  Where did the time go?  I started to ask myself some thought provoking questions after the initial shock wore off.  I asked myself:

What is goals do I want to accomplish the rest of the year?

How am I making progress towards these goals?

Do my goals for the remainder of the year align with my purpose?

What situations have I been avoiding to deal with this year?

What will be the results if I keep ignoring these situations?

These are just a few things that initially ran through my mind.  I challenge each of you to do some self reflection.  Often we go from day to day on auto pilot.  Take a little time to refocus your energy and determine your plan for the rest of year.  Let's end 2009 with renewed enthusiasm and energy together!

No Such Thing As Perfect

Let's face it, life isn't perfect.  We are often faced with situations or challenges that seem to prevent us from obtaining that picture perfect image of life that we have conjured up in our heads. I can remember as a child plotting out how my life was going to play out. I just couldn't wait until I turned that magical age of 18. At that moment, I would instantly turn into an adult and I would then live the life of my dreams.  Once I turned 18, I then longed for 21, 25, 30 .........

I'm sure that many of you can imagine, my life has taken some unexpected twists and turns.  There have been many pivotal points that were positive, exciting and went as planned.  And there were also times when I felt like life had just kicked my feet from underneath me. Nonetheless, all of my experiences, both positive and negative, have served as learning lessons.

One thing I had to except is that life is and never will be perfect.  However, I can still live my life purposefully.  Living purposefully means that I continuously set goals for myself and that I am true to myself. My goals are the life road map of my life. They give me a sense of direction.  Without my goals, I would aimlessly wander through each day, month and year hoping that I somehow sneak up on my destination. 

Look Forward

There can be times in our lives we look back and think about missed opportunities.  I know I can think of countless times when I said to myself, "I should have.....", "Why didn't I go...." or Why didn't I say..."  We have all heard the old saying that hind sight is 20/20.  However, instead of focusing on the past what we  should concentrate our energy on the present.

One element to leading a successful life is to focus on today and the future.  We have to stop looking backwards and wishing that we can change things.  Sometimes we devote a lot of energy beating ourselves up and let regret eat us up on the inside.  Yes, there are things that I wish I hadn't said or done. However, I can't take the past back.  With that being said, there are things that I can do:

• I can ask for forgiveness if I have offended or disappointed someone

• I can forgive others for things that may have offended or disappointed me

• I can forgive myself for past mistakes or lapses in my judgment

• Prepare myself for the endless possibilities and opportunities that life presents me

Instead of concentrating on the should da, could da, and would da's, we should keep looking forward.  The past should be used as a learning instrument that keeps us from making the same mistakes.  Stop  looking back!  If there is an aspect in our lives that need to be tweaked or changed, then we need to change it. We have to exercise our willpower to make necessary adjustments in our lives.  We have to KEEP LOOKING FORWARD!

A Good Enough Life is not Good Enough

There is a big difference between living life and just existing.  When someone is just existing, they go through their daily lives without any sense of purpose, excitement or meaning.  They just go through the motions each day and except whatever life brings them. However, this is not how life was intended to be lived.

Those who really LIVE their lives look forward to the possibilities of each day. They approach their lives with a sense of purposefulness and they feel that their life has a sense of meaning.  They are deliberate in their approach when they make decisions and and they truly enjoy their life.

This is how life should be approached. Each day brings us new opportunities and even challenges. And yes it is true that sometimes we have no control over these challenges or situations. Even though is may seem that life "dumps" on us, we should not surrend our sense of being to these situations. 

We CAN change aspects of our lives that we don't necessarily like or are positive.  We shouldn't sit back and just accept what life brings us.  But to do this you must have courage, patience and maintain a positive attitude.  This looks like:

• COURAGE:  Face the aspects of your life that need to be addressed head on. Be honest with yourself about your current situation.  Then develop your plan of action and start making steps toward your goal.
• PATIENCE: Be patient with yourself.  Realize that it may take some time to see the benefits of your hard work.  Don't give up.  Remember that each day that you do something to deliberately change a circumstance in your life puts you closer to your intended goal.
• POSITIVE ATTITUDE: Don't live your life with a permanent storm cloud over your head.  Having a negative attitude only reaps negative results.  It is realistic to feel emotions such as anger, sadness and bewilderment.  Acknowledge your feelings, assess your situation and then get to work.

We are blessed with the gift of life. Enjoy and treasure each age and stage of this gift.  Don't spend years just drifting through your life.  LIVING A GOOD ENOUGH LIFE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!

Shining The Mirror On The Inside

The month of June brings a lot of buzz.  The kids are getting out of school, summer is beginning and it's time to start the family vacations.  All of these things are exciting and fun.  Yet, June can also be the time of year that we do a self evaluation.

Typically, January is the time of year that people make "resolutions." This is great, but it shouldn't stop there.  Once we come up with our plan for success we have to evaluate it's effectiveness and make modifications if necessary.  Since June is Rebuild Your Life Month and it's it in the middle of the calendar year, it's a perfect time to Shine the Mirror on the Inside.

To get this process going, I looked at the following areas:

• What strategies are working to help me feel balanced?

• What areas do I feel need to be strengthened?

• Have I made any progress toward my goals?

• Do I need to change any of my goals?

Spending some time in self reflection has allowed me to come up with a road-map for the rest of my year. I was excited when I took this time to Shine the Mirror on the Inside.  I was really amazed that I didn't find this task daunting. In the past my life was extremely unbalanced.  Participating in this type of analysis would have felt overwhelming.  This is because I wouldn't have any idea of where to begin. But not any more, I am living my life purposefully and it feel great!

It's Never Too Late

June is Rebuild Your Life Month.  This has reminded me that at any time, we can make changes to our lives.  For some, this may mean a complete overhaul.  While for others this may mean some fine tuning.  But whatever the case may be, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!

Life is really a wonderful gift.  One of the great things about life is that we have within us the ability to change the circumstances that affect our daily lives.  I am not saying that making changes is easy, but it can be done.  I know for me, one of my biggest challenges with change is the uncertainity.  I am now learning to embrace the uncertainity that comes with change and to trust myself.  It's ok for me not to have all the answers and it's ok for me to make mistakes.  But it's not ok for me to keep my life at a standstill because I'm not 100% certain about the outcome of the changes I make. 

Each new day is filled with new and endless possibilities.  It goes without saying that we will face challenges.  In order for us to make the changes to rebuild any aspect of our lives, we have to look at making changes postively.  Throughout the month of June, we'll spend some time talking about the steps we can take to Rebuild our Lives.  I am excited that we will be doing through this process together.

Live Your Life