A Balanced Life

Why Women Settle

Why Women Settle, and Give Up On Their Dreams And What Can Be Done to Reverse It

    By Allison Maslan, HHP, CCH

When women come to see me for life and career coaching or homeopathy, I often find myself saying, “ You really do deserve to be happy.” With this statement I often receive a perplexed expression as their reply. Such a simple and somewhat obvious statement, but surprisingly for many women, it rings distant from their reality.

Their confused stare translates to, “Really? But how can this be? How could that actually happen? True happiness seems so far from my life that I honestly have no idea how to get there.”

I don’t mean that all women are walking around miserable. Far from that. However, deserving to be happy can have many connotations. It can mean the opportunity to have all they desire in life, to reach their dreams or to be completely fulfilled and content right where they are.

Many women tell me they remember having dreams and longings at some point in their lives, but over time, have lost touch with these aspirations. At this junction, these desires seem more like fantasies. Many women have expressed to me that they feel so trapped within their circumstances that happiness has meant settling, or making the best of what they really do not want.

Why is this so? And how did this happen? Is it a message we have unconsciously inherited from our mothers that says, “This is the best you’ll get or the best you can do, so deal with it”? Is it ideology from Cinderella and Superwoman gone astray? Or has it been the many disappointments in love, a dead-end quest for a dream career or never making it past surviving on a month-to-month income while juggling the responsibilities of home, work and family? Or maybe one has a great job, but it leaves no time for anything but the job? And the push for all of this has left many women feeling overwhelmed, lost and just plain tired.

Maintaining Balance

It is hard to believe that we are in the middle of January in the year 2010. The new year brought in new expectations, dreams and intentions.  We are now reaching the point in the new year when some start to revert back to old habits.  However, now more than every it is time to stay focused and keep our New Year intentions in the front of our mind.  Having a sense of balance in our lives can assist us in achieving our new intentions.  There are several things we can keep in mind to assist us in feeling balanced every day.  Try to remember to:  

• Be realistic with your time.  Don't over schedule yourself.  Allot a few more minutes to complete a task then you think it requires.  Avoid calendar congestion by writing your schedule on a calendar or keep it in your Smartphone.  Consult it before scheduling commitments.

• Prepare the night before.  To help you get back in the saddle, it's a good idea to get ready the night before.  This doesn't just mean picking our your clothes and packing the kids lunches.  It can also include looking at your calendar and to-do list for the next day.  Consider all your obligations; not just what you have going on in the office.  Taking a glance at you commitments can help put you in the right mindset for the morning.

• Carefully evaluate all of your commitments.  It's great to be the one who volunteers for an extra project at work or sign up to make 3 dozen cupcakes for your child's class party.  However, before you raise your hand it is important to make sure that it's the right time and the right commitment.  You don't have to be everything to everybody.

• All the planning the world can't prevent the unexpected from happening.  It is critical for you to be flexible.  Being able to adapt to the unexpected is crucial when planning for the days, weeks and months ahead.

Keeping these things in mind will allow you to design a life that is balanced.  Remember, maintaining a sense of work life balance is a daily LIFESTYLE not just a New Year's Resolution. You can keep your momentum going!

New Years Intentions

Wow, a New Year and a New Decade!!! What an exciting time.  Yesterday, I spent time going back through my calendar. I used this time to help me reflect and think about 2009.  There were aspects of 2009 that brought joy, sorrow, frustration, happiness, etc. 

After reflecting on the past year I became excited with the possibilities of 2010.  I am ready to let go of 2009 and start to think about my plan for 2010.  A little light bulb went off in my head when I read a post by Ariane de Bonvoisin.  Instead of making resolutions, this year I am going to live INTENTIONALLY.

Intentions are goals and objectives.  I am determined to live each day, week, month, quarter and the entire year intentionally.  My actions, attitude, conversations, and the people I surround myself with will propel me toward achieving my 2010 objectives.  Each new day is a new opportunity for me to move toward my goals.  It doesn't matter if these action steps are big or small.  What matters is that I am making progress.

Being in tune with myself will help shape my intentions. This means I will be able to recognize if my intentions need to be shifted.  Constant evaluation is critical to living intentionally.  Intentions are quite different from traditional resolutions.  Typically with resolutions, we make a list of those things we want to accomplish or change.  The problem with this is our lives are ever changing and are fluid.  Because of this, it is good to recognize when we need to change directions. In fact, recognizing a need for change and invoking change is courageous. It's living intentionally!

Take the next couple of days and the upcoming weeks to truly define what your intentions are for 2010.  You don't  have to accept what life brings you. Within you lies the power to live INTENTIONALLY!

What Makes Your Heart Smile?

The amazing thing about life is that we have choices.  We can choose to do nothing and except what life dumps in our laps.  We can choose behaviors that have negative consequences. We can choose to invoke changes that will have a positive impact on our lives. Within us lies the power and ability to design a life that is full of integrity.

There is something that we should remember to consider when we are deciding on what changes to implement.  If we are trying to align our lives with our personal definition of integrity we should consider things that make our heart smile.  Our hearts should smile about all aspects of our lives. Our hearts should smile about:

• Our family
• The career we have chosen
• The friends and the company we keep
• Our finances
• How we spend our leisure time
• And the list goes on and on

There are so many people who have careers, relationships and materialistic things that detract from their lives.  However, our lives should be filled with things that add joy and make our heart smile.  I encourage each of you to really examine any areas that don't make our hearts smile.  Be honest with yourself and formulate a plan for change.  Your deserve a to have a life of integrity and one that makes your heart smile.

Calendar Congestion

There are many time management experts that teach us the importance of scheduling ourselves and keeping some sort of calendar system.  Personally I agree that scheduling our appointments and daily tasks is a great idea.  Writing down our daily commitments is a great mechanism for making sure we keep track of everything we have to do.

I also believe that writing things down on our calendar allows us to examine if we are being unrealistic with our time.  Looking at our daily, monthly and yearly calendars can let us see if our calendars are congested.  Congested calendars are those calendars that have obligations and tasks penciled in from the time someone gets up until the time they go to bed.  A great visual clue is to look for white space on your calendar.  If we don't have any then chances are our calendar is congested.

There are several strategies that can be used to prevent or alleviate calendar congestion.  Some tips to consider when cleaning up are calendars are:

• Evaluate each and every appointment and commitment. Are our obligations in alignment with what is really important or is it filled with commitments that we feel pressured to accept?
• Do the commitments on our calendar reflect obligations from all aspects of our lives? Or are our obligations lopsided?
• Are we being unrealistic with the amount of time we are allotting for certain tasks or obligations?
• Are there areas where we can simplify and slow down?

Looking at our schedule on paper can be a visual reminder for us to decide if our calendar is congested or not.  Maintaining a congestion free calendar is a great tool for living a balanced life.

Define Your Integrity

As busy women, it is important for us to define who we truly are and where our life is headed.  Living a life of integrity and defining our integrity is the foundation for living a life that is balanced and fulfilled. It is important for us to ask ourselves Who Am I?

I like to define integrity as knowing WHO we are.  When I say WHO, I am speaking in regards to how WE define ourselves as women. WHO we are is not the same as WHAT people call us or WHAT we may do. These are what I consider to be roles we play or labels that are given to us.  For instance, our children call us mother; our spouse calls us wife; we may be a teacher.  These roles or labels may all be positive. However, they do not define WHO we truly are. When no one is around and we are by ourselves, WHO ARE WE?

Living a life of integrity allows us to answer that question.  It also allows us to define for ourselves WHO we are and What we are called to do in life.  Living a life full of integrity is not a destination.  It is a process.  Living our lives with integrity and aligning our daily actions with our calling is a journey.

Where Did the Year Go?

It is hard to believe that it is already October.  It seems like it was just last week that it was spring. Now, there are only 86 days until 2010. I can't believe it!  Where did the time go?  I started to ask myself some thought provoking questions after the initial shock wore off.  I asked myself:

What is goals do I want to accomplish the rest of the year?

How am I making progress towards these goals?

Do my goals for the remainder of the year align with my purpose?

What situations have I been avoiding to deal with this year?

What will be the results if I keep ignoring these situations?

These are just a few things that initially ran through my mind.  I challenge each of you to do some self reflection.  Often we go from day to day on auto pilot.  Take a little time to refocus your energy and determine your plan for the rest of year.  Let's end 2009 with renewed enthusiasm and energy together!

No Such Thing As Perfect

Let's face it, life isn't perfect.  We are often faced with situations or challenges that seem to prevent us from obtaining that picture perfect image of life that we have conjured up in our heads. I can remember as a child plotting out how my life was going to play out. I just couldn't wait until I turned that magical age of 18. At that moment, I would instantly turn into an adult and I would then live the life of my dreams.  Once I turned 18, I then longed for 21, 25, 30 .........

I'm sure that many of you can imagine, my life has taken some unexpected twists and turns.  There have been many pivotal points that were positive, exciting and went as planned.  And there were also times when I felt like life had just kicked my feet from underneath me. Nonetheless, all of my experiences, both positive and negative, have served as learning lessons.

One thing I had to except is that life is and never will be perfect.  However, I can still live my life purposefully.  Living purposefully means that I continuously set goals for myself and that I am true to myself. My goals are the life road map of my life. They give me a sense of direction.  Without my goals, I would aimlessly wander through each day, month and year hoping that I somehow sneak up on my destination. 

What are You Excited About Today?

I know you have probably heard someone say that each new day is a gift.  That is still true.  However, are you excited about your gift of a new day?  Do you wake up each morning with the same giddy anticipation you had as a kid on Christmas morning?  Or do you wake up dreading the fact the you have to get up all?

Life indeed is a wonderful gift that should be cherished.  I often think abouthow much I should appreciate the gift of life when I think about someone who has passed or is terminally ill.  It is at those times that I ponder the fact that there are no guarantees for how long we are going to live

 Not only are there no guarantees, but each day is different.  In fact I often envision life developing my to-do list prior to me waking determining my unexpected to-do list. Sometimes life's to-do list brings disappointments, joys, challenges, fun and stress.  It is important for me to determine the moment I wake up if I am excited about the day or will I dread the moment my feet hit the floor.

I choose to be excited!  I am excited to meet the challenges of each day!  I am excited to have some fun!  I am excited to use techniques to reduce my stress level!  I am EXCITED the I get to see a brand new day!  What are you excited about?

Look Forward

There can be times in our lives we look back and think about missed opportunities.  I know I can think of countless times when I said to myself, "I should have.....", "Why didn't I go...." or Why didn't I say..."  We have all heard the old saying that hind sight is 20/20.  However, instead of focusing on the past what we  should concentrate our energy on the present.

One element to leading a successful life is to focus on today and the future.  We have to stop looking backwards and wishing that we can change things.  Sometimes we devote a lot of energy beating ourselves up and let regret eat us up on the inside.  Yes, there are things that I wish I hadn't said or done. However, I can't take the past back.  With that being said, there are things that I can do:

• I can ask for forgiveness if I have offended or disappointed someone

• I can forgive others for things that may have offended or disappointed me

• I can forgive myself for past mistakes or lapses in my judgment

• Prepare myself for the endless possibilities and opportunities that life presents me

Instead of concentrating on the should da, could da, and would da's, we should keep looking forward.  The past should be used as a learning instrument that keeps us from making the same mistakes.  Stop  looking back!  If there is an aspect in our lives that need to be tweaked or changed, then we need to change it. We have to exercise our willpower to make necessary adjustments in our lives.  We have to KEEP LOOKING FORWARD!